It's A Hard Job
by Schme
Summary: Kain has a killer birthday party and finds an old friend who has a vendetta against Raz, hilarity is sure to ensue. Read & Review Please, dis be only my second story and I'd love some pointers
1. Chapters 1 through to one

At Kain's Dark Palace

Kain awoke in his throne room only to see Raz and Dumar sprawled across the floor, apparently still in their booze-induced sleep.

It'd been one killer keger they had had for Kain's birthday, with most the alcohol in Nosgoth being drank that night, not to mention that they had treated Kain to a day of pure adulterated blood lust, giving him enough pot to subdue The Mother Alien (from alien vs. predator) and setting him lose on a small village just over from the pillars and last but not least painting a large "ONLY FAGS WEAR WINGS FEATHERED" on Janos's domicile, placing a large bag of dog shit on his porch and watching him stamp it out with his bare foot.

Yes he hadn't had a birthday like it in years but, it was the day after, and damn did his head feel like a Sarafan Barbarian was axing the inside of his skull.

"Raz, Raz u awake?" Kain managed to whisper holding his head

"WHAT, WHAT THE HELL WHO-WHAT-WHERE!" Raz screamed in holusion from being woken during a pot induced dream and the horrid sight of Kain this early in the…err… Midnight.

"Fuck man keep it down," Kain hissed through clenched teeth as grabbed the 'Winged Vampire' by the throat choking off any further sound.

"I'm sowy" Raz said in a pitiful child like voice through his soon-to-be crushed esophagus, trying to coax the green skinned ruler to place him back on his feet, and Kain too worried about his own head, dropped him back to the floor and hissed

"Not one sound or I might be forced to do something u don't want"

"Oh yeah like what" the first born taunted

"I dunno, ummm rip out your wings… or something like that!" Raziel grabbed his wing and gave the puppy dog look, "bu…bu…but I l-l-l-love m-my wings, you're a big meanie!"

"Your right, but a meanie who can grab you without using his hands and disassemble you with a single thought" he said flashing his jagged teeth at Raz making him flinch slightly.

"Ok I get it your err busy, I'll wake Dumar and the rest and we'll go home eh?"

"Good idea!" Kain shouted back at him as he walked off to the bathroom for an aspirin.

Kain had opened and taken 2 aspirin before Raz had even left the throne room, and 5 before he had left the place, Kain still groggy from last night decided to go and make some breakfast. Kain's idea of making breakfast, was luring a peasant into the darkness of an alley way, talking to them about his life, and drawing the blood from their limp rag-doll bodies after he had them immobilized with his TK. It was more fun to know them intimately before drinking their blood; it was more sadistic and way more fulfilling that way.

"Hey bud, got the time?"

"Huh, who's that?"

"I asked a question, it's polite to answer you now, or didn't mommy ever teach you manners" Kain smiled as his eyes lit crimson and blue with an eternal passion, characteristic with his nightly feedings.

"SIT!" Kain roared demonically

"Uhhh… err… ahhhhhhh…. help me somebody please help me!"

"Friend please your fate is sealed, but I'd like too tell u a little story do you want to hear it?" Kain whispered into his ear.

10 Minutes later….

"And that was my third girlfriend, now my forth was a real doozy she used to do this thing with he-"

"Damnit just kill me already, come' ere give me a knife I'll do it my self, jeeze for a vampire you a pussy dude" the random peasant said

"Hey Fuck You, you don't now me, here" Kain exclaimed grabbing him by the top of his head and base of his shoulder

"Fina-freaking-ley god damned" the peasant sigh as he relaxed to make the release from Kain's speech to his death as quick as possible

"Hey God has nothing to do with this" Kain moaned after the first drops of blood entered his mouth filling him with ecstasy, and relieving him of his hang-over


	2. Chapter umm 2 mabey

Chapter 2: the next………chapter from 1 Heh Heh Heh

Disclaimer, I don't own Kain or any associated trademarks and of the such. (Though Razzy can come over any time Groowl …err as long as it's pre destruction Raz or Sarafan Razzy, Heh he's not so cute with out a jaw).

After his meal Kain continued along the street walking his claws clasped on his sword the Soul Reaver, as it hummed with anticipation of the coming events.

Kain walked slowly down the cobblestone road until he felt a pull, drawing him to a nearby tavern, "The Prophet" Kain read the insignia on the door as he grabbed the handle, turning it and pushing.

"The hell!" and grumbled "damn things stuck"

"Try giving it a bit of a shove" came a voice from inside

"It looks old, you sure it'll hold?" Kain said

"Yeah it'll be fine"

"Alright then" Kain said as he took a few steps back and charged the door

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh………." THUMP "fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK, my god damned head, errrrrr" Kain moaned as he bounced back from the door, hitting the cold stones of the street hard on his ass.

"Oh…. wait the door was locked, Heh sorry, I'll. Just. …unlock that now"

"What!" Kain exclaimed, "You didn't even unlock the door! Christ what are you simple"

"I'm not the one who just threw himself at a door" the voice taunted, now more familiarly,

"Magnus?" Kain

The door open and he heard the hell hound cackle of his greatest assassin, Magnus the Pyrokenetic Vampire who had brought so much destruction upon the Sarafan, and who he himself had had to kill many years before.

"How…did…where…did…" Kain stuttered in disbelief

"What are you the only one allowed to bring himself back?" Magnus beamed

"But…. how, I'm the eldest, I though I was the only one with this gift, besides Raz in a few years of course" Kain questioned the smiling General

"Raz, who's that, well anyway I picked it up from when we fought, as you stood above me and gave me sweet release, I new my loyalties were not over, not then not ever not until you had proved your unworthiness for my loyalties, and with your act of compassion I saw you had only grew more deserving. So I drew the slightest piece of the spectral shift gift that you had inherited from your creator, The Necromancer, and harnessed it in the spectral realm, though an unexpected side effect has occurred" he explained, as his eyes lit Bright Blue and his claws warped like ethereal blades.

"It appears I'm now a" he spoke softly and with a feeling of power he spoke the last work, which to lesser beings would have reduced them to quivering masses "**_Wraith_**"

"Shit man, sweet deal eh, so what can ya' do?" Kain spoke, looking up at him and finally getting up off his ass.

"I dunno yet, I think I can like drink blood and souls, I no I'm twice as strong though" he said tearing a piece from the door Kain had had trouble denting with his whole body

"Damn! Now that's cool, but can u do this?"

Kain raised the Reaver above his head and charged it with fire, and charred the door to cinders.

"Fuck Man, that's some cool shit right there, oh, hey I was meaning to ask"

"Yeah, what?"

"Can I have my Gift back, please?"

"Huh, oh immolate yeah sure"

AN: yup dats the end of this chapter ya'll better review or else!


	3. Chapter three

Chapter 3: the, yup _THE_

Kain leaned in and placed his hand on Magnus's chest, closing his eyes and forcing the dark gift into him, as he stood totally immobilized unto the power.

After a few second Kain's hand lifted from Magnus and returned to his side

"There ya go, are ya 'all fired up' Heh, Heh"

"Huh?"

"It's just…that…. a...song…ah forget it...you'll get it in a millennia or so"

"Hoho-k…starting to freak me out here Kain, lets just go inside we gotta talk"

"Fine whatever I don't care jeeze"

The tavern was empty, not surprising seeing as the company Kain now was with was know for his lust for blood, but even for him the place was distraught, tables and chairs broken across people much of the blood was wasted, and then It hit him "I don't care" he though as he walk over a mangled body this one seemed to have been sucked though.

They grabbed a chair each and sat at one of the less damaged tables.

"So what did ya want to talk bout, I can't think of you as being the type to want to catch up, or have you grown sentimental in you time down there?" Kain spoke quizzically

Magnus with a smile spoke "ah still the same old Kain I see, no we need to talk about matters concerning all of Nosgoth, matters concerning all vampires, concerning _you _

"Oh, like what?" Kain spoke with some surprise, he had seen the future but he had changed a lot as well, it seem the future of the world was once again clouded by the thick shroud of time.

"There coming back, Kain, they're coming back for you, and a winged vampire…. I do not know his name…yet…but it matters not, you have to be ready, their stronger now then we they were banished!" Magnus had an aura of clouded knowledge about him now as though he had the answers but could not recall them.

"The Hildren?" Kain seethed

"What, what are they, man I was joking, I was really gonna ask if I could stay with you for a while till I get my own place"

"Oh, well that's much worse then them" Kain mused "remember last time you bunked with me?"

"Not really?" Magnus said

Flashback

"Hey Magnus is this your 'Play-Vamp' mag?"

"Ummm…no, it is not…I have to go now"

"What are you talking about you just sat down?"

"No I didn't, now I have too be alone…in my room…so don't disturb me...and I need that mag to…err throw it away, yeah, now"

"Ok, one you're not getting the mag, and two, clean the fucking house you lazy ASS!"

End Flashback

AN: yup dats anudda chapter all done


	4. Chapter 4, or mabey thats just what THEY...

Chapter 4, or is that what I want u to think?

"MAGNUS!"

"What you can get another of these priceless vases anytime, just chill, I'll clean it up later"

Kain bowed his head in frustration. And walked into the throne room, Two days had passed since Magnus had started staying at Kain's dark domicile and Kain was already ready to kill him.

KnockKnock

"Kain you home?"

"NOT NOW RAZ, MY HOUSE CAN'T HANDLE IT!"

"Huh" Raziel puzzled "it can usually handle my err shenanigans"

"Yes but not you _AND_ Magnus, he alone has left the house in total disrepair"

"Magnus? Whose that a new fledgling? Kain you old dog you I thought you gave that game up years ago"

Raziel gave Kain a sly smile to himself still waiting to be let in.

"It's not like that, he's and old fledgling, older than you, much older"

Kain hissed defensively getting up of his throne to open the door for Raz.

Raz walk into the house following Kain back too the throne room and stepped over some dirty clothes, some half full chip packets and a pair of undies that smelt older than Kain.

After the initial shock wore off the First Born, he started to sift through some junk to see if the floor still existed, too which he wasn't so sure anymore, at this point there was a loud smash and faint "oh shit!" and a few second after Magnus walked in holding a broken piece of Glyph Armor.

"Ok so it was broken when I found it and if you don't believe that I'm sorry I broke it, but I reckon that a bit of super glue would fix this baby right up" Magnus said looking at the Armor "so where do you kee- Who is that" he said looking up from the obviously beyond-repair Antique, finally noticing Raziel standing next to Kain.

"This is-" Kain started but was cut off by Raz

"Raziel, and u, from what Kain's just said must be Magnus huh, nice robes?"

Raziel said rubbing the red velvet material with two fingers

"Thanks, I like your err…leather?" Magnus said looking at what little clothing Raziel actually wore

Raziel smiled and place his arm on Magnus's shoulder

"Hey did Kain tell you about the time he was drunk and started to try to crack on to Vorador..."

"Err Raz I don't think he wants to hear that one" Kain said getting a little worried

"Yes I do, go on tell it to me Raz, how funny was it"

"Well-" Raz started

"Raz if you complete that sentence I might have too hurt you" Kain said making a snapping motion with his hands

"Hmm let see tell the story and get some laughs or get snapped like a twig" Raz said and lower his voice to only just audible "gets some laughs get snapped, laughs or snapped hmmm what too choose"

"Oh oh oh I no I no, choose the first one it's the first one Raz pick it c'mon pick it" Magnus said jumping like he got the answer to a game shows question.

Kain gave an evil glare and turned around walking into the lounge room, and up the stairs into the 2nd story of the palace.

"So anyways it was about three years ago and it started out as a celebration for his 100,000 kill" Raziel started

"I CAN STILL HEAR THAT!" they heard Kain yell from upstairs in his room

Both Raz and Mag burst out laughing.

Kain's Room

"Great now I have two of them to put up with, how can this get much worse?"

SMASH

"Dude looks what you did"

"I didn't do it you did"

"You're the one who dropped it"

"Yeah, but you made me"

Kain groaned as he heard this and covered his head with his pillow.

"This century is gonna suck so hard" Kain said and got up to deal out some major ass whooping to the two delinquents downstairs


End file.
